How to make healthy boundaries with your desi parents

“It doesn’t matter how old you get; I will always be your parent.”

This statement can be reassuring or fill you with dread. As a child, it is important to see your parents as people who know better than you, who are smarter than you so that you don’t have to always touch the fire to know it’s hot. As you grow into your own personhood, the all-knowing aura of your parent dissipates.

But do all parents know that?

Though we use the term boundaries quite liberally, it is rather difficult to define what they mean. They aren’t a brick wall or a line drawn in the sand – they are somewhere in between. Healthy boundaries are a maker of good self-esteem. They help create a defined sense of identity of who you are, what you find acceptable and how you would others to treat you.

Boundaries are a reflection of your relationship with the person or group, they are also about your relationship with yourself. They signal how you see yourself in relation to how you see the person in front of you. This is one of the major reasons why boundaries with parents can be a tricky subject.

What do unhealthy boundaries with parents in the Indian context look like:

1. Going through your room, belongings, phone etc (where there is a reasonable expectation of privacy) without your consent.
   “I gave birth to you, what do you have to hide from me”
   
2. If you live away from them, dropping in without any intimation.
   “Should I now take an appointment to meet you?”
   
3. Calling you up incessantly even when you tell them that you are going to be busy.
   “Are you so busy that you can’t even talk to me for 10 minutes a day?”
   
4. You find yourself rearranging things in your life so that you can accommodate their demands.
   “Let me just not go to the concert or my dad will freak out”
   
5. You lie to them because it’s easier than having THAT conversation.
6. There’s oversharing that is done on their part and expected on your part as well.

What do healthy boundaries look like:

1. Asking for reassurances
   ” I feel ignored when you don’t call me up. Can you text me when you are going out so that I know you care about me?”
   
2. Disagreeing but fighting fair.
   “Hey, I hate it when you smoke around me knowing that I don’t like the smell, can you please stop doing that when I am around.”
   
3. Feeling upset, angry, or disappointed in yourself or your parent/child
   “I felt hurt when despite me asking you to not add mushrooms to my food, you still did it. I do not want to be forced to eat something that I don’t like. I feel like you didn’t respect my wishes. I will make sure that I make my arrangements for my lunch.”
   
4. Challenging or being challenged.
   “You might feel like this setting a boundary but as your parent, I need to know if you are going to be late. You need to call me and let me know that so that I don’t worry about you. You don’t need to tell me everything and I accept that.”
   
5. Not feeling the need to share everything
   “I saw on Instagram that you were at your friend’s house yesterday. I am glad you had fun. Did you?”
   
6. Recognising that everyone is a human being and will make mistakes
   “I am sorry you were hurt because of my actions, I promise to work on this.”
   
7. Recognising that everyone involved is an adult
   “I know it’s not easy to accept this but I would appreciate it if you were respectful of my boundaries.”

When one creates or asserts one’s boundaries, there can be a wide array of responses that one might receive. It is important to remember some pointers:

1. Boundaries can be created ONLY when one is feeling safe and loved. If you fear that the response to a boundary can be violence in any form (including the silent treatment, coercion to violate the said boundary etc), you should do what is best for you at the moment. Including fawning.
2. You can feel guilt for creating something that didn’t exist or rocking a boat that was sailing peacefully. This is a normal feeling.
3. You can feel shame for introducing a concept that didn’t exist earlier (or in earlier generations). This is normal, as well.
4. You do not always need to appreciate the small steps someone takes especially after multiple violations.