People who are polyamorous can come into therapy for a wide range of issues which may or may not include their relationships. Educating yourself as a therapist, providing them with a safe space where they can explore their concerns without a worry being pathologized can be revolutionary!
Due to societal conditioning, we often don’t question how things are since we’re led to believe that’s how it’s supposed to be. This figures in different aspects of our life, like what we do for a living may not stray too far from conventionally accepted career choices (engineering, medicine, or law). Or, the friends we make—people who’re in the same social, political, and economic location as us. This includes how we understand and organize our relationships—the partners we choose, someone whom our parents will readily accept.
Being a therapist to someone who has not conformed to the social script in large part, comes with challenges. This piece discusses some of the unique challenges faced by a therapist
Choices made by people that go against the grain are often seen through a pathologized lens within mental health discourse. For instance, promiscuity is associated with having borderline personality disorder. On the other hand, not having sex may be viewed as a trauma response, instead of a being a function of a person’s asexuality. Even rebelling against society’s rules can and has been framed as being a result of having antisocial personality disorder.
This pathologization here is essentially because being polyamorous is seen as a “deviation” from socially acceptable ways of being sexual, and/or being in love. Social norms require that you meet “the one”, marry them, have children, and live with them till the end of your days. Every other person you meet along the way is a frog, up until you meet your prince.
Mental health researchers have long wondered, are people who’re polyamorous mentally healthy? They conducted research on it and the answer to the question is an unequivocal yes.
At The Alternative Story, we take pride in calling ourselves poly-friendly. In order to be “poly-friendly”, here’s how to address some of the concerns that clients exploring polyamory can bring to therapy:
Suggestion for an action point as the therapist—Have a conversation with your client asking them what being polyamorous means to them. Ask them to give some thought to what being non-monogamous has enabled them to do and be, or what it hasn’t. Guide them toward making sense of identities they feel conflicted about, provide them with tools through which they can begin to make sense of their identities, and reach a place of self-acceptance.
Suggestion for an action point as the therapist—You could ask your client to make a list of people to whom they would like to disclose this aspect of themselves. Have a conversation with them about what is driving their need to talk about this, is it something that they genuinely wish to do, or is it coming from a place of anxiety/guilt/fear? Help them make a careful assessment of the likely consequences of taking such a step. Do role plays focusing on how to best respond to reactions from people when the client tells them, where their response protects them from discriminatory and abusive behavior, to the extent that is possible.
Suggestion for an action point as the therapist—Slowly, and carefully introduce concepts such as the relationship escalator to the client and ask them what they think about it when it comes to their relationships. This can help them develop their thoughts and feelings about relationship issues that don’t have social scripts, and in turn communicate effectively with their partners.
Help the client understand what their barriers to communication might be, and how they can overcome them. The therapeutic space can help them learn to listen, be present and have difficult conversations.
Suggestion for an action point as the therapist—Feeling jealous, inadequate, these are seen as unhealthy emotions that must be avoided in a relationship. This in turn means that their root cause is often not explored. Get the client to ask themselves where these feelings stem from—“What does it mean when I feel insecure?”, “What is my jealousy telling me?”, “Am I feeling this way because societal pressures have conditioned me to, or is it an old trauma that needs addressing?”. Treat the therapy space as one where the client can explore these uncomfortable feelings that they may feel ashamed or guilty to talk about elsewhere. And help them come to terms and cope with it.
It goes without saying that the starting point for therapy—whether a person’s polyamorous or not—is that it has to be a safe space. Within this space, a person should feel comfortable exploring what being polyamorous means to them, what does it bring into their life, what can get taken away.
The therapist here acts as a confidant, who makes the client feel safe, secure and free from judgement. Internalized conditioning about deviating from the script of partnership can lead to many negative emotions such as guilt and shame. Helping the client come to terms with their experiences that make them feel “deviant” or “abnormal”, holding space for those experiences and emotions, and providing tools for effective communication are all goals that can be worked on in therapy.
The challenges of providing therapy to a person who is polyamorous don’t come from a lack of skills, but through a lack of awareness and discriminatory mindset. Therapists need to make sure that they do what it takes to provide safe, healing spaces to people who don’t fit into society’s standard of “normal”, by educating themselves, being open to learning from clients and acknowledging how being polyamorous affects a person’s mental health.
By Rashi, our co-founder
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