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Coping with Separation from Loved Ones:
Love in the Time of Corona

Being away from loved ones is difficult, even at the best of times. This, however, is not the best of times. The Novel Coronavirus or COVID-19, referred to hereafter as the coronavirus, has caused an unforeseen and unprecedented change in our lives. Most of us are living in areas with restricted movement. Many of us have loved ones living in such areas. Some of us may be stuck in places far from home. For some of us, our loved ones may be far away and alone. Still others of us may have loved ones working in high-risk jobs, or we may be working in such jobs. We or they may be in isolation. All of this can lead to a host of feelings in addition to the ones we usually experience when we are distant from the people dear to us.

There are a few reasons why being away from our loved ones in this situation is different from being away from them in more normal times. Some of these reasons are:

  • Uncertainty – With the diminishing and resurgence of the coronavirus in different parts of the world, the external reality is one of uncertainty. It is currently impossible to say with any degree of accuracy when normal travel will resume. This can lead to uncertainty about when you may meet a loved one again.

  • High-risk situations – For several people, you may have loved ones in high-risk situations. This can include:
    • Your loved one being in a high-risk zone, one which has seen a recent spike in cases. You yourself may be in a high-risk zone, far from your loved ones who are safe. Both cases can lead to a great deal of stress.
    • Your loved one working in a high-risk profession. If they are a health worker, delivery person, sanitation worker, or in any other profession that exposes them to the virus, it is natural to worry about their safety. Moreover, you may never previously have considered their profession to be high-risk, unlike someone whose loved one is in the armed forces or emergency services.
    • You yourself might be working in a high-risk profession. You may never previously have considered your profession high-risk. You may be under tremendous pressure to do your job well. You may need to self-isolate to protect your loved ones. Thank you so much for doing your job, if you are one of the many people keeping things going right now.
  • Your loved one being vulnerable – While it is natural to worry more about your loved ones in the current situation, this worry can be manifold if the loved one is at risk, like if they are elderly, pregnant, or having health conditions that make them especially vulnerable. Many considerations can worsen the worry, such as if the person is alone or without strong support systems. Your loved ones may suddenly have to do without the household help that they relied on. If they take medication, you may be worried about the availability of medicines and whether they will remember to take them. If they relied on someone’s help for technological assistance and that person can no longer visit them, you may be worried about being unable to contact them regularly. You may be worried, and naturally so, about any emergency with your loved ones. This may particularly be the case for health-related emergencies. You may be afraid for your loved ones if they have to go to the hospital, fearing that they may be exposed to the coronavirus there.

  • Food security – For many people, thoughts about whether their loved ones will have enough to eat or be able to get groceries amid the lockdown are preoccupying their minds. You may worry about your loved ones exposing themselves to infection to get food.

Given all of the above, it is completely natural for you to be experiencing one or more difficult or unpleasant feelings. These can take different forms for different people. Some of them may be:

You may also experience anticipatory grief. This means grieving a loss that is yet to happen or in the process of happening. This may be the loss of a person, a cherished dream, a goal, or an imagined future. You may have had to give up a planned meeting with a distant loved one. You may be missing milestones of a loved one’s life. You may be far away from a loved one who is unwell or living the last few days of their life. These situations can lead to anticipatory grief, which can create a sense of anxiety, sorrow, depression, anger, and physical symptoms such as loss of appetite, sleeplessness or restlessness. 

So then, what can you do? How can you make yourself and your loved ones feel slightly better in this situation? Here are some practical ideas that we can think of:

  1. Maintain connection as much as possible – call, text, video chat – whatever you can do. If you are not able to communicate in real-time, make video notes, send photographs, write emails – the important thing is to keep communicating.

  2. When you do connect, make an effort to explicitly express your love for your loved ones. Tell them you care for them. Ask them about their day. Show your concern.

  3. Try to forgive and be compassionate towards your loved ones. Try to remember who they are when they are not in a crisis. They may be irritable, distant, or anxious. Try to remind yourself that this is probably the impact of dealing with the situation.

  4. Try to do things together virtually. Watch the same show and discuss it; have a video call during dinner; sing songs or read to each other. The idea is to find something that you both like and to get creative with connecting.

  5. Find out ways to materially help. Send monetary help if needed and if possible. Use phone payment apps and bank transfers. If there are delivery services available where your loved ones live, use them to have essentials delivered. This can help them feel more secure and you feel more in control.

  6. For those with elderly loved ones, see if there are neighbours who can pick up essentials for them and leave them at their doorstep. Find out organisations in their area who are reaching out to the elderly. Try to build a network for emergencies. Help them keep track of their medications.

  7. If you or your loved ones are in high-risk jobs at the moment –
    • If you are in a high-risk job – first of all, thank you so much. Second, reach out to neighbours in your area who can take on the responsibility of some of your household tasks for your loved ones. Think of ways others can help you and do not hesitate to ask for that help.
    • If your loved one is in a high-risk job – maintain regular contact with them, as far as their job permits; maintain your own work and interests, do not make everything about them – this will give you something to distract your mind; try to maintain a best-case scenario in your thinking; and seek professional help if necessary.

These and other practical measures will help to some extent with feeling better about the situation. However, the reality is that there will be some tasks that you will not be able to do. Even if you are already doing all of the above-mentioned things, you may still find yourself missing or worrying about your loved ones. This is only natural and here are some thoughts that might be helpful when that happens:

  1. Ask yourself, what is within my control in this situation?: Accept that this is an abnormal situation and that there are things that everyone is struggling with. Certain things are out of your control. You might not be able to help your loved one as much, and that is the reality. Focus on the things that you can control – your behaviour, the steps you can and have taken for your loved ones, and your efforts.
  2. Reassure yourself with kindness: Tell yourself – I am doing my best in this situation. Be kind to your suffering and feelings of helplessness that you can’t do more. Allow yourself to feel these, acknowledge them, and be compassionate towards yourself. In the absence of your loved ones to do this for you, show love and kindness towards yourself. 
  3. Ask yourself – What does this say about me?: If you are worried about the wellbeing of your loved one, or about losing a loved one, it shows that you care about them. Acknowledge the care and concern that you have for your loved one and find ways to express that. 
  4. Acknowledge that you may be experiencing anticipatory grief: Acknowledging that you feel this grief is the first step. It is important to let yourself feel it, but not get lost in imagined futures. That can lead to anxiety and overwhelming feelings. Instead, it is important to keep yourself grounded in the present moment.

Doing all of the above may help to maintain healthy relationships with your far-away loved ones during this difficult time. However, it is also important to maintain your well-being. Our article (here) on coping with mental health in quarantine gives you a comprehensive guide on how to take care of your mental health during this time.

Finally, we’d just like to say: This is hard. It is a difficult time. It is a crisis and it’s unprecedented. And you are most definitely not alone in struggling to cope with it. We are all feeling anxious about our distant loved ones. It can be hard to find the positives in this situation, but there can be a few. For some of us who are alone and far from home, this can give us space and time for self-discovery. For some of us who were already far from our loved ones, this may have brought us closer by making us feel the need to keep in more regular contact with them. For those of us with elderly loved ones, we may have seen the humane side of their neighbours and acquaintances who have stepped up to take care of them. For some of us, the flexibility in our schedules may have made it possible to communicate more often and for longer with our loved ones. 

To end with, a happy thought – imagine how nice it will be to give your loved one a hug again. Because this will pass. Nothing lasts forever. That much is certain.

By Sanjana Shelar, who works at The Alternative Story in an administrative capacity. She has a Masters in Development and is currently pursuing her Masters in Psychology. Credit for the illustration to Swati Shelar, who is an educator and product designer.

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