Letting Go of Toxic Relationships: "But They Love Me"

Trigger warning: The following post includes mention of abuse and violence. Reader discretion is recommended. 

Abusive behavior can occur in any relationship regardless of gender and sexuality. It is seen not only in romantic relationships but also in friendships and families. The abusive behavior might be apparent to everybody around but the person involved. Sometimes it is easy to recognize a toxic relationship by how it makes you feel but some of these signs can be more subtle and it can take us a long time to figure out what is actually happening within the relationship. How often have we had a friend tell us that they are “definitely breaking up” with their abusive partner, but struggle to actually end the relationship?

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What makes a relationship toxic? The following are some red flags of a toxic relationship:

• You feel humiliated and belittled: Your partner constantly puts you down and belittles your goals and accomplishments. This could include derogatory name-calling under the guise of a “joke”, dismissing your interests, disapproving your appearance or undermining your abilities.
  
  
• You feel isolated and controlled: Abusive partners will try and come between you and supportive people in your life. They might claim that the only relationship that matters in your life is the relationship with them, and spending time with anybody else is undermining it. A go-to statement here is, “Your friends don’t understand you as I do”. This might start subtly, with their disapproval of certain relationships, but can lead to excessive surveillance and control of where you are, who you are with and what you are doing.
  
  
• Boundary violations: Boundaries are essential to any healthy relationship as they help in setting limits to acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. Boundaries are also important to separate one’s needs, feelings, and responsibilities from one’s partner. An abusive partner has little to no regard for boundaries and consistently violates them. For instance, you might feel like you get very little time for yourself due to the partner’s unreasonable demands on your time. You might find yourself going above and beyond to meet your partner’s needs but your needs are largely ignored or considered secondary. In fact, setting boundaries in an abusive relationship can be challenging, as abusive partners can make you feel “selfish” or “guilty” for doing so.
  
  
• “It’s not me, it’s you”: When you try to bring up how they make you feel, they either completely deny doing it or blame you instead. They might insist that you are “overly sensitive”, “blowing things out of proportion” or just “being paranoid”. If this seems familiar to you, then it is likely that you are being gaslighted. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where a person blames you for their own abusive behaviors to the point where you start doubting your own experiences and perceptions in the relationship.

• Your partner is violent: Violence can be physical, verbal, sexual, emotional or even financial. Violent partners may cause physical harm by pushing, shoving, slapping or hitting. They might withhold physical touch as a form of punishment or might be sexually coercive. Abusive partners may take control of your finances or cut you off if you are financially dependant on them. These forms of violence may not be limited to partners alone and can be directed at friends and family members of the partner as well.

Ending relationships, in general, is a painful process. Letting go of toxic relationships might be harder due to several reasons. We often mistake abusive behaviors for expressions of love. The romanticization of abusive relationships in popular media certainly contributes to this misjudgment. It equates violence with passion and excessive control with love. It not just normalizes abusive behaviors but glorifies it; the possessive, violent lover is seen as desirable and not problematic.

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It is possible to experience shame or guilt while contemplating a break-up. If you are facing abuse within a long term relationship, you might even feel pressured to “make it work”. Abusive partners might even threaten self-harm when you bring up breaking up.  It’s natural to feel scared or unsure of how to go about this process. Here are some things to keep in mind:

• The abusive behavior is not your responsibility: It is important to understand that your partner’s abusive behavior is not your fault. You did not instigate the abusive behavior. You might feel like it is your responsibility to “fix” your partner’s behaviors- it is not.

• Garner as much support as possible: Reach out to friends or family to talk about how you are feeling. If you feel isolated, or if it is difficult to reach out, consider seeking professional help from a therapist.

• Go by action, not by words: No amount of abuse, big or small is okay. Abusive partners have a tendency to promise changed behaviors to convince you to stay. Watch out for consistent change in their behaviors or actions rather than their words.

• A clean break is most effective: Letting go of an abusive relationship can be unlike other, sometimes amicable, breakups. Being amicable with a partner who has been abusive is not always possible because of their manipulative behavior. When the time comes, opt for a clean break. Cut off all ties and communication, if possible. Make it clear that the relationship has ended. This is also an example of setting up a rigid boundary.
• Ensure safety: If you are worried about your safety, identify a safe place or a safe friend(s)/relative you can go to for help.

Just because a relationship was toxic, does not mean that letting go of it will not be painful. Walking away from toxicity also means losing the good parts of the relationship. It is important to give yourself space and time to grieve the good parts of the relationship. Ending a toxic relationship can be mentally and emotionally depleting. In addition to support from others, you may need rest and rejuvenation. Be kind to yourself through this process.

There aren’t perfect relationships, but a healthy relationship is loving, kind and accepting. Sometimes the fear of not having a better relationship can prevent us from letting go of an abusive relationship. It is important to remind yourself that you deserve a respectful, fulfilling, and nurturing relationship.

By Ahla Matra