Loss is an unavoidable part of life and grief is a natural and important emotional response to any type of loss. Loss can occur in any form, such as the loss of a loved one, the loss of a relationship through divorce or illness, and loss through a change in life-styles generated by a geographical or occupational move. Grief contains within it a sense of sadness, hopelessness, numbness, anger, guilt and many other unsettling emotions.
They say, “time heals all wounds” because as time passes, the intensity of the emotional responses associated with grief lessens. However, in some cases, individuals may fail to grieve, or the process of grieving might be obstructed (Worden, 2002). Hindrance in the experience of grief can often lead to prolonged, unresolved feelings such as a sense of feeling overwhelmed, symptoms of traumatic distress, maladaptive behavior and persistent disbelief about the loss (Lobb et al., 2010).
What is Disenfranchised Grief?
Disenfranchised grief occurs when the person experiencing the loss does not receive normal social support, and when the loss is not openly acknowledged or cannot be mourned publicly (Doka, 1989). Our society and culture defines these circumstances and imply “grieving rules” that govern who, how, when, for how long, where and for whom the individual grieves (Doka, 1989, p. 4). These rules do not allow a person sufficient space to express their feelings in their own way under different circumstances (Doka, 1989).
The truth is, grief and sadness make people uncomfortable. The disenfranchisement of grief is seen as a societal failure to empathize (Attig, 2004). As a naturalized response to grief, we often try to make people feel better. By doing so, we at times minimize or ignore the grief of the sufferer. Often, we do not recognize the importance and the meaning of the loss, undermine the suffering and pain or fail to support the need for a grieving process for the mourner. Disenfranchising messages from society, culture and family “actively discount, dismiss, disapprove, discourage, invalidate, and delegitimize the experiences and efforts of grieving” (Attig, 2004).
Losses which are likely not to be validated by society
Disenfranchised grief can occur in various ways depending on the type of relationship and the type of loss. Such as, the death of a “blood relative” is often acknowledged, whereas relationships that are considered more distant or deemed less important by society may be dismissed. The less recognized types of relationships may be those we have with a pet, perinatal losses, elective abortions, loss of a body part, loss of a personality from dementia, infertility, losses associated with immigration, loss of a loved one who is not “blood related” (i.e. a boyfriend/girlfriend, extramarital lover, in-laws), narcissistic relationships, etc.
Types of losses that are not death related may also be viewed as less important or worthy. These losses deserve recognition and a space for healing. When the cause of a loss is seen as socially unacceptable, such as drunk driving, violence, addiction, and/or suicide, grief may be kept hidden from others because it is a taboo to share. The additional feelings of guilt, shame and blame can further make it challenging to discuss the loss and seek out support. These ambivalent feelings about the loss and the relationship shared can contribute to making the process of grieving more difficult which perhaps can lead to complicated mourning.
Moreover, when we compare the importance of one type of loss over the other it makes it more difficult for the mourner to accept and express the loss. The meaning of that relationship or loss can vary and is individually defined and experienced. Regardless of how others perceive what one is going through, the experience is true to them. Our hearts, minds, and bodies cannot be told who or what we should grieve, when, or how.
Moving Ahead
Having our grief recognized and acknowledged by society can play a role in how we react and cope with loss. Unfortunately, there are certain losses that might be ignored or minimized by others around you. Yet these losses can still cause legitimate, valid distress.
It is therefore important to understand that grief is a social process, and the significance of support systems such as family and friends cannot be emphasized enough. A lack of support that appears in the context of ambivalent loss majorly contributes to complicated grief. There are no band-aid solutions or prescribed ways to grieve. But we must acknowledge the loss and grief as legitimate, real, and worthy of support.
References:
By Aarushi Tiku, a Delhi-based Counselling Psychologist formerly
associated with The Alternative Story